Friday, February 19, 2010

Sometimes I have an ugly heart.

And here's why....

This post is going to be brutally honest, because it needs to be. A week ago I was FREAKING out, and in the worst mood I've been in, in a very long time. Why? Because I was afraid that my flight was going to be delayed/canceled because of the snow in Dallas, and would have ruined MY weekend plans to go to California. Like I literally was so mad to the point that I wanted to cry (yes, it was that bad). It was really bad, and looking back on it, it was so foolish. I lacked trust. But most of all I was upset because the control idol in my life crept in like never before. I'm a relatively calm person. There are two things that severely stress me out: being lost and travel plans. I think both have to do with the fact that I can't control them at all.... ever! That reveals a really ugly idol of control in my life. And you know what? My plane wasn't canceled. My flight was slightly delayed but still made it to Dallas on time. We left 30 minutes later than planned from Dallas, which in turn caused Camille NOT to miss our connecting flight to Sacramento because she had been delayed in Houston. All last week I decided that I wasn't going to eat out, or spend any money on food. I knew I had enough food for the week and last Friday morning I poured my 1cup of cereal and 1cup of milk and literally was able to throw the carton away wasting no food. On Saturday while we were in San Fran we continued to luck out with parking, and with lots of other really random stuff. God was faithful, despite how ridiculous I had acted a mere 48 hours before. On Monday night when I got home I went to buy groceries and still had some cash left over from the money I had withdrew in California. I had 48 dollars in cash. When I went to pay for my groceries for the week at Sprout's, the total came to 47 dollars and some change. Seriously, God? Again, faithful.

Here's the moral of this story. I think that my control idol was very much out on the table staring me in the face, but I think that more than that it boiled down to the fact that I did not want to be in Austin last weekend. Why? Because it was Valentine's Day weekend. Everyone I knew had plans, and I wanted to be far away from having to remember the fact that I'm single. Why? Because lately I haven't been trusting the Lord in this. And before any of you who are married tell me to be patient, that I have a gift, that I have an undivided heart, etc, please don't. I know ALL of those things, and most of the time I believe them. But sometimes it just sucks to be single. Can I just say that and mean it? I want to. So I think that's the root of where all of my anger towards a silly flight came from. It boiled down to me not trusting God to work out the details of my life. When He did (as He always does) my heart was glad.

I'm going to try to trust more.

You can pray for me!

"And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to HIS purpose." Romans 8:28

Over and out.

No comments: